How can we support children?
Why talk about the war in Ukraine with children? Because they have already heard about it! At school, for example, from classmates who are better informed than they are, or keen to impress others with spectacular talk. Or because they have listened to their parents discussing it, or because the television or radio was left on in their presence. They have also clearly seen that we are worried, and the youngest may have imagined that it is because of them. Let us not forget that young children tend to imagine that the world revolves around them. If their parents seem happy, they are glad to think they are the cause, and if they see their parents sad or preoccupied, they worry about their responsibility for their state.
But then how do we talk to our children about events as upsetting as the war in Ukraine, without lying excessively about how serious the facts are, and without causing them too much worry ?
First, choose the right moment. That is, a moment when we will have time to talk together. Those who know the 3-6-9-12 milestones know that, long before digital tools appeared, we already recommended having the evening meal without the television. Today we can add: without a smartphone or tablet, so as to make it a convivial moment of shared conversation.
Then, it all depends on the children’s age.
Before the age of four
Let us take care not to pass on our anxieties to them. Above all, let us reassure them that they are not responsible for our worries, that we will protect them whatever happens and that together we will overcome the difficulties.
From the age of five
We can already ask them whether they talk with their classmates about what is happening, whether they have already seen, heard or understood things, whether they are worried. Let us always start from their own questions and not go too far in our explanations. Let us give them time to absorb our answers, and respect their pace. The key is not to say everything at once, but to open the conversation so that the child knows they can come back at any time with their questions and will find someone to answer them.
Let us reassure them, and begin to put this war in context using a globe or a map. For older children, we can give more historical explanations : let us talk about the treaties, the Minsk agreements, then the Budapest Memorandum. Just typing these words into the internet will bring up explanations.
Let us also avoid talking about “good guys” and “bad guys”: from about 4½, a child is able to understand that different experiences of the world shape different representations of the world. Let us stay instead on the ground of the law : what is allowed and what is forbidden. The president of a country called Russia did something forbidden by attacking another country called Ukraine. Before the age of 9-10, let us also avoid describing the supposed “madness” of the Russian president. Because madness frightens; it cannot be controlled. If we enter that field, there is nothing left to understand, and that is very distressing.
Beware of the TV news : it is not suitable for children before the age of 9-10, because they are not able to understand the information given and can be shaken by the images. If they nevertheless find themselves in front of the screen, let us explain, comment, talk. Even with the older ones.
With teenagers
Real discussions can begin: they have historical foundations to understand the course of the world and can grasp the geopolitical stakes. Let us advise them to get their news at set times, from chosen media, and not continuously on their smartphone, where they may be tempted to jump to ever more spectacular news. And let us never forget that teenagers are not adults: they have their own sensitivity, often keen at this stage of life. Let us allow them to dream of a better world, whatever our own fantasies about how it will evolve. They do not look at the world with the same eyes as we do: they are at the dawn of their lives, they want a future that is still to be built and in which they will play their part.
At any age
Let us give plenty of room to emotions: let us express those we feel so as to allow our children to express theirs. But beware: expressing means putting into words, not pouring out… So if we are too upset, let us first talk with other adults before coming back to our children a little calmer.
And let us stress the mutual aid and solidarity shown towards Ukrainians driven from their country, but also towards those who stayed and are resisting. Let us encourage children and young people to take part in symbolic or practical actions in support of Ukraine. It is a way not just of watching, powerless, what unfolds on our screens, but of taking part, however small, in an active process. It is a way of fighting the risk of depression. These collective actions also let us feel united with those with whom we share the same values. That is essential in troubled times : we do not want to be alone.
And if your child is in a class that has welcomed a young Ukrainian, talk with them about the difficulties this child may have in communicating if they do not know French, and the importance of including them in games with the others. It is the same for families who are now hosting Ukrainian men and women. Perhaps we know some ? The more our children see how to help, the more we can value for them the idea of a better future, in which mutual aid and civic responsibility take pride of place.
MN.C. and S.T.
🎙 Going further
Serge TISSERON
- Télématin – Sunday 13 March 2022 broadcast (France 2) (at 45 min 58 s)
- La maison des maternelles (France TV) :
- Grand bien vous fasse – Tuesday 8 March 2022 broadcast (France Inter)
Niels WEBER
Marie-N CLEMENT
- Bayam : “Talking about war with the youngest”
- Extra classe / Réseau Canopé : “War in Ukraine: how to decipher information flows?” YouTube video
- How to talk to children about war – Interview with the psychiatrist Marie-Noelle Clément – Swiss radio
- War in Ukraine: “We are never obliged to give a child all the information at once; the key is to open the dialogue” – Le Monde 16/03/2022
