Why talk about the war in Ukraine with children? Because they have already heard about it! At school, for example, from classmates who are better informed than they are, or who want to impress the others with spectacular talk. Or because they have overheard their parents talking among themselves, or because the television or radio was left on in their presence. They have also clearly seen that we are worried, and the youngest may have imagined that it is because of them. Let us not forget that young children tend to imagine that the world revolves around them. If their parents seem happy, they are glad to think they are the cause, and if they see their parents sad or preoccupied, they worry about their responsibility for the state their parents are in.
But then how can we talk to our children about events as upsetting as the war in Ukraine, without lying to them excessively about the seriousness of the facts, and without causing them too much anxiety ?
First, choose the right moment. That is, a moment when we will have time to talk together. Those who know the 3-6-9-12 milestones know that we were already recommending, long before digital tools appeared, having the evening meal without the television. Today we can add: without a smartphone or tablet, so as to make it a convivial moment of shared conversation.
Then, it all depends on the children’s age.
Before the age of four, let us take care not to pass our anxieties on to them. Above all, let us reassure them that they are not responsible for our worries, that we will protect them whatever happens and that together we will overcome the difficulties.
From the age of five, we can already ask them whether they talk with their classmates about what is happening, whether they have already seen, heard or understood things, whether they are worried. Let us always start from their own questions and not go too far in our explanations. Let us give them time to take in our answers, and respect their pace. The essential thing is not to say everything at once, but to open the conversation so that the child knows they can come back at any time with their questions and that they will find someone to answer them.
Let us reassure them, and begin to put this war in context using a globe or a map. For older children, we can give more historical explanations : let us talk about the treaties, the Minsk agreement, then the Budapest memorandum. Just typing these words into the internet brings up explanations.
Let us also avoid talking about “good guys” and “bad guys”: from the age of four and a half, a child is able to understand that different experiences of the world organise different representations of the world. Let us stay instead on the ground of the law : what is permitted and what is forbidden. The president of a country called Russia did something forbidden by attacking another country called Ukraine. Before the age of 9-10, let us also avoid describing the supposed “madness” of the Russian president. Because madness frightens, it is not controllable. If we go into that field, there is nothing left to understand, and that is very distressing.
Beware of the television news : it is not suitable for children before the age of 9-10, because they are not able to understand the information given and may be impressed by the images. If they nevertheless find themselves in front of the screen, let us explain, comment, talk. And this goes for older children too.
With teenagers, real discussions can begin : they have historical foundations at their disposal to understand the course of the world and can grasp the geopolitical issues. Let us advise them to get their information at set times, from chosen media, and not continuously on their smartphone, where they may be tempted to jump from one piece of news to another, each more spectacular than the last. And let us never forget that teenagers are not adults : they have their own sensitivity, often acute at this period of life. Let us let them dream of a better world, whatever our own fantasies about how it will evolve. They do not look at the world with the same eyes as we do, either: they are at the morning of their lives, they want a future that is still to be built and in which they will play their part.
At any age, let us give a large place to emotions : let us express those we feel so as to allow our children to express theirs. But take care : expressing means putting into words, it does not mean pouring out… So if we are too upset, let us first talk with other adults before coming back to our children a little calmer.
And then let us emphasise the mutual aid and solidarity shown towards Ukrainians driven from their country, but also towards those who have stayed and are resisting. Let us encourage children and young people to take part in symbolic or concrete actions in favour of Ukraine. It is a way of not just watching, powerless, what unfolds on our screens, but of taking part, however small, in an active process. It is a way of fighting the risk of depression. These collective actions also allow us to feel solidarity with those with whom we share the same values. This is essential in times of trouble : we do not want to be alone.
And if your child is in a class that has welcomed a young Ukrainian, talk with them about the difficulties this child may have in communicating if they do not know French, and the importance of including them in games with the others. It is the same for families who are currently hosting Ukrainian men and women. Perhaps we know some ? The more our children see how to help, the more we can value for them the idea of a better future, in which mutual aid and civic responsibility have pride of place.
MN.C. and S.T.
